Tuesday, November 12

Online Dating- Shoot Me

I feel like this post gives me enough reason to break my cardinal rule of not dropping any F-bombs on my blog and just begin with a full line of them...

I always knew I had some reserved feelings about online dating, but it wasn't until I was signed up on a site that I learned just how much I do not like it.  As in hate it.  Like think it is so ridiculous I don't even like looking at my phone when it beeps anymore.  Seriously.
For all of you people who have not resorted to the online world, let me tell you how it works.  First, you answer approximately 5000 questions about yourself and random shit you've probably never considered before (thank God for BFFs knowing so much about me that they can just do it while I watch Grey's documentaries about the world).  Then the site finds your matches, whatever that means; I swear they just randomly select a couple other single people within 15 years of your age and call you soul mates.  Now you have matches who you can creep on- HELLO the fun part/ shallowest moments of my life.  However, as it turns out I have become the pickiest person on the planet.  I may be old fashioned but I am just not looking for a boy who is 5 years younger than I am and still lives with his mom, or a middle aged man who takes half naked mirror selfies, or a guy who has more eyeliner on and plucks his eyebrows better than I do.  Just... no.  Then there was the time a guy was posing with one of my ex's.  That was probably the fastest NEXT of all.  Anyways, once you find someone you think is interesting you send them 5 multiple choice questions and they can send 5 back, the questions and answers are provided.  After that you send one another 10 "makes or breaks-" an example of my make would be having a job.  A break that was sent to me was someone who spends their spare time watching TV.  Clearly he would not be interested in my Netflix membership so sadly we had to end our relationship there.  Then you can ask 3 questions of your own, to which the response is typed and personal.  That part can be kind of cool except when you get questions sent to you like "which emotion would you say you are experiencing the most often?" Umm what?  That is the thing you are most interested in knowing at this point?  No.  If you manage to get through all of those steps then you can start emailing back and forth on the site.  This is where I am at with a number of gentlemen.  The problem is that I have zero desire to actually meet them.  IT IS TOO WEIRD.

There are people who I have met in real life who give me the butterflies, and who I think are awesome, and who take away my ability to form actual English sentences while in their presence.  Obviously these are not the people who are (and I use this term as loosely as possible) flirting with me, or I would not be resorting to online crap. The online people do not have this affect on me.  In fact, today when one of them called me a 'cutie'- I caught myself reacting like this:
I mean come on.  It's not like I am posting selfies straight out of hot yoga class.  I obviously have up the most flattering photos I could find.  The fact that a few of them are from a couple of years ago when I was blonder and actually had a tan is beside the point.  So here I am, texting a couple of suitors, avoiding them physically.  Just picture the first meeting (I am visually shuddering at the mere thought of this).  Dear Lord... Ok so we meet for coffee?  I don't even like coffee but I can fake it til I make it.  (Rightttttt?)  There is the gross walking into the coffee shop, pause and look around for someone who looks vaguely like their online identity OR do you just get in line, I mean Starbucks lines are really slow- perhaps that is the better option?  You find the person/ or he finds you... "oh hello..."
Do you hug?!  Is this a hugging moment?  I am not a hugger- too early to show that?  Handshake?  Awkward wave from two feet away?  Shoot him the guns?  Goodbye social skills.  You get to the front of the line and I would probably order a hot chocolate with whipped cream (because I'm 5) and then WHO PAYS?  Seriously, this is too much for me.  Once that horrendous 5 minutes is up, the conversation begins.  I am actually not concerned about that part at all, mostly because I can nervously babble on about myself (Finn) forever, but then he would probably view me as self-indulged (strangely attached to my dog) and never call.  Fail.
Or I would try to ask him a lot of questions so he would get talking and he would think I was annoying.  Fail.
Or he would be another guy who talks to me in a baby voice and I wouldn't be able to hide my rage.  Fail.
This is why I am currently online chatting, not dating. I know that there are people who have found love online and that is sweet meat for them, seriously very cool, I am just way too much a skeptic at this point.  I would way rather be swooned in real life, by a person who literally makes me stupid when they are around, not by someone who responds to my FIRST TEXT EVER of hey how was your day by saying "it was really wonderful, now I am just taking in the ceiling lights,reflecting on all aspects of my day, and reminding myself of how blessed I am." 
It took everything in me not to respond 'k relax bud.'



- Brother Bear said...

Alright Lauren I know we don't always say the nicest things to each other so don't get used to this :P

I read your blog on online dating, and unfortunately I do agree with a lot of the negative things you said. You and I never really talk about dating, but I totally understand what you mean about how this isn't the way you want it to happen. And how you're looking for someone that doesn't just excite you or make you happy but is so much more than that. I've met one person (out of around 8) from online that literally took my breath away... which was very inconvenient because it made it really hard to think of anything to say let alone get it out there when you're not inhaling.

I know the idea of meeting them can be scary, but the we both know you got the balls in this family. And a situation is only awkward if you let if be awkward, just think of it as a first date and do what you would normally do. It's clearly worked in the past since you've probably spent over a decade of your life in relationships already!

But the MOST important thing, is don't ever give up and don't ever settle. It's obvious that you really want to find the perfect man for you and I promise you he's out there. You're an absolutely amazing woman and even though we don't get along all the time I wouldn't trade you for any other sister in the world. And when you get frustrated just remember he's out there somewhere and he can't wait to sweep you off your feet :)

Grandma Deb said...

You two are funny!!!!!
Well said 'brother bear'!
Lauren, Maybe it's time to call on your friends to send you on blind dates or just invite you over with their single male friends.

writing with ren dirt said...

Funny post Lauren. You should watch the movie Catfish.

Lauren Kent

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