"If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever" - David Sedaris

After my first official trip to a used book store, I have to admit that I was pleasantly surprised with the quality and quantity of books that filled the shelves.  My search for the work by David Sedaris did not take any longer than five minutes, and even cost less than it would have had I bought them on my e-reader.  If you have not read anything by David Sedaris, I am telling you to start.  If you do not like to read for long amounts of time- even better, because his stories are short.  Simply writing about his personal and seemingly average day to day activities, Sedaris adds his own self-depricating, sarcastically honest, socially satirical twist to each story he shares. 

Here are a few answers from an interview I found in TIME magazine (click on the link to read the rest).

You write about your adolescence in vivid detail.  Did you keep a diary?
I've been keeping diaries for 27 years. For the most part, it's just garbage, so I go through them, take whatever's good and make a master list. In the summer of 1984, I've got on June 23 that I saw a drunk woman drop her baby. And then an episode of Oprah that was particularly good on July 3. I used to type my diary and then have it bound. Now I print it out. I do one every season, and it has to have a seasonal cover. It's a lot of work for something no one's ever going to see. 
 
You've written about some of your odd jobs.  Which was the oddest?
I had a job in Chicago — you know when squirrels crawl under the eaves of people's homes and get trapped in the attic and die? I had to crawl on my belly over fiber glass and dead squirrels to staple up screens so that no more squirrels could get in. You realize you're lying on top of a squirrel that's crawling with maggots. It's the kind of job where you just couldn't take enough baths.

You're a noted luddite.  When did you finally give in and get a computer?
My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working on a typewriter and I whited out a line, often I would choose a word to go in the space just because it fit. Now I don't have to do that.

And the internet?
I've never seen the Internet. I don't have email. I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine. When people say, "You should visit my Web page," I'm always perplexed by it. Why? What do you do there?

Here is a video of David Sedaris reading one of his essays on David Letterman.  Enjoy.

Cheapskates!

People love their money and when it comes to giving it to other people- the answer is no.  For example: Ziggs no longer has to pay for a vehicle, gas, or his cell phone (lucky boy he is).  I, however, am on a strict biweekly budget and can barely afford a replacement stick of deodorant half of the time; so I end up pushing the stick harder and harder into my skin with the hope that it's still working.  So half jokingly (but dead serious on the inside), I asked Ziggs if he would like to put a little something something in the ol' Cobalt, as the gas light had flashed empty for the third day now.  He honestly looked at me as if I had just said, pretty please babe- assassinate the Prime Minister.  I took it as a no.           

I mean honestly, when I get an invite on facebook from a friend... no, not even, an acquaintance -for their birthday pub crawl for the low cost onetime payment of $25 I am instantly not interested.  $25?!?!?!?! Do you have any idea how many other things I would rather drop twenty five bucks on?   Hell, I'd rather top up my tampon stock than pay that much money just for a ride to your birthday.  Not to mention I will probably be the oldest person on the bus,  the token slutty 18 year old girls (who drink too, much too fast, and act like strippers all night) will just put me in a bad mood, and you will have picked the most expensive bars in the city where a $10 bill no longer gets you and a friend a drink, and tips the bartender- now you have to break a twenty because each highball was like $7, and the bartender seriously expects you to tip them your change.  Realistically, if you are not on the list of people that I am going to physically go out and buy a birthday gift for anyways, and that list has less than ten people on it, then there is no chance of me giving up food for a week just to attend your birthday!

Each and every time I go to my parents' house, a telemarketer calls.  Now as soon as I see the 1-800 on the caller I.D- it’s over; not interested.  My dad is the same and he will answer the phone saying "UMMM EXCUSEZ-MOI BUT IN THIS COUNTRY IT IS 6:00PM AND I AM ACTUALLY TRYING TO ENJOY DINNAAAAH WITH MY FAMILY.  ARRRRRR YOU COMPLETELY STUPID?" Click.  Let's be real here, when I go to my parents', I go for one of two reason; to raid their pantry of anything they won't realize is missing, or to play angry birds on my moms iPad.  Both of which take precedence over whatever it was the telemarketer said they were calling for. 

Then there is fundraising.  I've know of people that hold fundraising events so they can fly around the world for a year!  Sounds sweet BUT if you can't even pay for your own damn flight then how exactly are you going to survive in a foreign country?? Get off your ass for a couple of months, get a job, and save for it yourself.  Fricken moochers.  If you are going to fundraise for a cause, something admirable and for the good of others- hell yeah I'll donate!  The fact that you are trying to help a part of this world already makes me feel lazy and useless; the absolute least I could do is give a little cash. 

Alas, we have reached the point of this glorious blog.  My mom, Debbie Doo, suggested I read this one book she had.  I said yeah yeah… Then she recommended it again.  And again.  And again.  And again.  And again.  Each time, forgetting she had already told me about it.  Then one day she said, “Hey Lauren, you should read this book I just finished...”  So I said HOLY CRAP I’LL READ THE FRICKEN BOOK WOMAN.  Then Deb went high pitched on me, that’s when you know you’ve upset her, as she called me mean and walked away.

So I am reading this book, maybe about half way through it, and it’s AMAZING!!!  It’s about this average guy who decides to quit his job and travel around the world for a year, spending every penny he has.  Unfortunately for him, his friends were major buzz kills and told him that sounded incredibly selfish.  To shut them up he added a volunteer stint in a Nepali orphanage.  Only it turns out the children there are not orphans but victims of child trafficking!  Bahhh this world is so unfair and cruel and sad and makes me feel useless all over again and some people are awful and horrid and make me consider murder for realsies.  It is a true, remarkable story, of which I have not even read the entire thing.  YOU MUST READ THIS BOOK.  I know some people first react with, ohhhh yeaaaahhhh another crisis we should be concerned about this month.  Well, I say quit your damn complaining and read.  If you have a book for me then pass it on, but so far you don’t, so here ya go!  Carrying on, this guy (Conor) started up his own foundation from scratch and (from where I am in the book) is currently searching for these seven children that were taken before rescue arrived! AHhh breaks my little heart. 

Now that I know I have convinced all five of my avid readers to read this book- here is where you can donate.

http://www.nextgenerationnepal.org/Donate_Online

THINK OF THE CHILDREN L

Oh yeah, the book is called Little Princes: One Man's Promise to Bring Home the Lost Children of Nepal.  The author is Conor Grennan.