That time I had Tinder for 30 minutes

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Everybody is doing it. You don't have to pay, answer 100 personal questions, or go through a drawn out communication process. It's the 2015 version of Hot or Not, only if you both answer 'Hot' then you can immediately start texting each other. It's shallow and degrading, it diminishes all the fun out of meeting someone, and is apparently the only way people meet these days. I did not want Tinder, I needed it. I needed to see what all the fuss was about. I downloaded Tinder, put up (what I considered) to be attractive photos of myself, and starting judging people based on information that fit in my palm.

The times I swiped left:

He had a tattoo of a turtle on his neck
His bio said he "wasn't douchey" - probably was
He was wearing a tub hat
He had stretched ear lobes that I could fit a slice of pizza through
He had a pet snake
His picture was a selfie where he was pretending to be sleeping but was giving a kiss face
His only photo was a personalized bobble head
He had three photos giving the middle finger - probably uses the C word too much
He was gesturing the Shocker
He had two cats - cats hate me, it is actually a serious issue. They always scratch my chest.
He was wearing a man thong - this is Tinder, there is no time for questions
He was licking someone's foot

I had exactly one match.  A match! I couldn't even remember swiping right. I went and viewed the person's profile. He had one photo up.  He was showcasing his muscular body, apparently fresh out of the shower and still dripping water.  The picture had been cleverly cropped approximately one inch above his assumed naked penis, avoiding any unnecessary full frontal exposure at 2:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday. There was a tattoo on his arm but he had blurred it out as to remain anonymous, as well as his face.

My thoughts on my match:

Is this like instagram when they have sponsored posts? Does Tinder sponsor people? Is Tinder sponsoring him because he is trying so hard? How did I get matched to him? Aren't you supposed to show your face? Isn't the whole point of Tinder to let people X you based on your face? His name is "Dark." That can't be his real name. If that is his real name, that's a stupid name. Who tries that hard to remain anonymous but shows that much body? I wonder why he would show his treasure trail but not his face. Does this actually work for girls? I wonder how many girls swiped right for him. Do girls post pictures like this too? I don't think I would post a picture like that. I only posted selfies from days I actually bothered washing my hair. I wonder if I posted a picture like his if people could tell I had a C-section. Is this the normal criteria for dating now? Maybe I should change my preferences to searching for a woman so I can see how everyone else is setting up their profiles. I hope I'm not breaking some unspoken Tinder rules. Maybe I should google the dos and don'ts. I wonder what his tattoo is of. I bet it's his name. Did I swipe right? I don't remember doing that. He doesn't really seem like my type. Where does it say if this is sponsored? I bet he pays monthly for the better Tinder. How do I get unmatched? He is my only match so maybe I should consider this. This is seriously my only match? His abs are pretty nice. No, I don't think I like this.

Then I remembered!

The time I swiped right:

My dog bumped into me and I accidentally swiped right.